Coping with Defiance and Oppositional Behavior: Why It Happens, What to Do
Marco, 19 months, runs into the tunnel at the playground and stays there when his dad tells him it's time to leave.
Tanya, 32 months, refuses to have her cereal in the blue bowl. She insists that she needs the red one and if not, she won't be eating her breakfast.
It is a toddler's job to be oppositional. This is the period in your child's development when she begins to understand that she is separate from you and can exert some control over her world. One powerful way she can do this is by defying you. You say, "Do this," yet she says, "No!" The drive to assert one's self is useful as it motivates your child to want to make things happen. Being able to do some things for herself builds her confidence. The key is to find ways to show your child how she can be in control and make her own choices in positive ways.
It's important to keep in mind that some toddlers are simply, by nature, more likely to be oppositional than others. Children whose emotional reactions are big and intense, as well as children who are more cautious and timid, may be more oppositional than children who are temperamentally more easygoing and flexible. Why? Because these children tend to have a difficult time with changes, for example getting into the car seat, going to bed, or visiting a new place. Natural shifts in the day can also be stressful and result in a wide variety of protesting strategies from toddlers. To learn more about temperament and how you can support your child based on his individual approach to the world, visit our Temperament resources.
Think about:
No two children or families are alike. Thinking about the following questions can help you adapt and apply the information below to your unique child and family.
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What does your child tend to be most oppositional about? What, if anything, do these things have in common?
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Why do you think these issues bring out your child's "oppositional" side? How can this understanding help you help your child cope better?
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How do you respond when your child is being defiant? What works? What doesn't? What can you learn from this?
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